Top Ten Reasons for Online Bridge Cheating

(it helps to be an OkBridger for this one)


The top ten reasons why I think there is cheating going on with online bridge:
10) How come novices, intermediates, and sometimes even advanced players keep beating the snot out of OkBridge self-proclaimed "experts"?

9) The pressure to collect pondpoints is just too intense; just the other day somebody at work said "Oh, you play bridge, how many pondpoints do you have?" (I was so embarrassed).

8) Look at this "Levin" kid - he must be at most 8 years old based on his picture but he plays like a world class pro - the kid has likely hacked his way into the OkBridge server if you ask me. (I heard in real bridge he ended up playing a 1-1 trump fit - serves him right).


7) The other day I saw a pair bid a slam that needed a 4-4 trump split, two backward finesses, and a misdefense at the end; what could this be but cheating?

6) People keeping saying they are "Goren" when I know he is dead.


5) Something fishy is definitely going on; even the director is called "Tuna" and he keeps handing out these 'tips' into the middle of hands (but I never seem to be the one to get tips to help play the hand any better).

4) Everybody has all these secret codes: "glp" (Go Low Partner - and sure enough declarer usually plays low from dummy), "typ" (about Time You Passed - clearly they have seen the board before) , "brb" (Be Really Boring - and play just slows right down) , "last one for me" (but almost never has last trick, and then the player leaves before anybody can say anything), and "sayc" (I'm not sure of this one, I thought at first it meant sacrificing {sac-ing) but after -1400, -1700, and then -2300 {it hurt} I concluded it must be something else).


3) Looking at players pictures, there must be hundreds of dogs playing; now I don't believe for one minute that these dogs can move a mouse, type on the keyboard with their noses, and still look up to play well without cheating. (and speaking of pictures what is with all these supermodels who are playing online but I never see any at the local club game?)

2) The other day I open 1NT (15-17 but I upgraded my 12 count on account of two useful tens).  The next player doubled and, as if he knew my hand, said "Dont".  I became certain they knew the hand when it went all pass, he started leading this darn long suit and his partner showed up with a heck of a lot of points for somebody who bid nothing.

1) I can't win (see 10 above).